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samileigh

The Wall from a Racially Driven sense of Fear

This morning on my run an older White gentleman waved me down to talk. Something which just does not happen given the current state of our world. Between Covid and racial tensions and social distancing, I don’t experience a lot of interaction with others on my runs. And especially, as a Black female from White males.


In the past, one's ethnicity has always been a reality, but never a problem. Don’t misread here... I am not saying there were not worldly problems relating to ethnicity. There absolutely were and I encountered them (maybe one day I’ll share about the breakfast date in college that ended up at a fast food chain because of the color of our skin). Anyway, I am saying I did not ever intentionally allow the color of someone’s skin or their ethnicity to affect my relationship with them. It simply did not matter. I acknowledged the difference, but as long as they treated me with dignity and respect, the difference in our ethnicity did not create a problem.


However, the state of our world right now seems to have changed my and their (White males particularly) willingness to engage. In fact, I’ve noticed less eye contact. A hesitation to even approach or be near one another. And definitely no communication at all if we are strangers. And I'm not saying it's them. It’s definitely me too. There is a hesitation on my part for the same. I imagine (please note “imagine” I am not professing to know) they are wondering if I am another angry Black person. I imagine they are wondering if I assume they are racist. I imagine they probably worry I blame them for all that’s wrong racially in the world today. And, if I am honest, I am wondering if they are racist. I wonder if they hate me because I am Black. I wonder if they think I am angry and might be on the verge of destroying property or if I already have. And I wonder if they blame me for all that’s racially wrong in the world today.


These are all new emotions and experiences for me. I have never dealt with racial tensions to the extent they are present today. And it makes me more cautious. More aware. More fearful than I have ever been before. And less willing to interact with those of a different ethnicity whom I don’t know. I don’t like this feeling. It’s counter-intuitive to how I think and prefer to live. But the truth is, now with things as they are, I do sometimes feel fearful because I am Black, especially when I am out by myself.

And then today happened. An older White gentlemen waved me down to talk. He was out running too. He was like a grandpa. I never had a grandpa, but I always wanted one. I was nervous, at first, but my sense of love for humanity, and this potential grandpa, would not let me ignore him. What if he needed help? What he needed was suddenly more important than my own fear. So I stopped. I engaged. He smiled. He just wanted to share what a beautiful morning it was. He just wanted to tell me I am loved. He asked if I knew. “Yes sir, I do”. “Good”, he said. “You matter to God. You matter to others. You are loved. And I just sensed you needed to hear that this morning”.

He was right. I did. But even more I needed to hear it from him. For so many different reasons.

We didn’t hug. We remained socially distant. He kept his mask on. But today the wall from a racially driven sense of fear that has plagued me over the past months was cracked. There is a light shining through. It’s the light of love.

**Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that** ~ Martin Luther King, Jr. ~


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