I remember starting my theology courses for my masters degree. Right from the beginning, I struggled. It wasn't the curriculum, it was the content. Apologetics. Learning to effectively defend Christian theology by way of studying and understanding other religions. Why would I want to learn about the beliefs of others? I didn't. And quite frankly it frightened me to even consider studying the arguments against Christianity. What if I learned something during the process that negatively influenced my own personal beliefs? I did not want to participate. It did not feel right. And I went to my professor with my concerns and his response was simple:
A faith untested is not much of a faith at all...
Today, I find myself struggling with a similar predicament. Except this time it is not a class, it's life. And instead of a professor I am dealing directly with God. There are some ledges I need to jump off. Some risks I need to take. And I know God is asking me to do the very things I am avoiding. He has been for a while. But the truth is, I am afraid I will obey and he will not come through. That I will discover the voice I am hearing is not really his voice. Or worse, his voice doesn't really mean anything... it's just a voice. And spiritually, if that's true, where does it leave me. I am afraid to have the faith I profess to have tested.
But then once again I hear... a faith untested is not much of a faith at all.
The road of disobedient untested fake faith against the road of fully surrendered fully tested faith. That's the crossroad I stand at right now. Which one will I take? I want to say the fully surrendered road. And yet, I know to say this in confidence right now would be solely for the sake of looking like a perfect little Christian who has it all figured out... which I have no desire to do. The truth is, I am not sure. I want to take the fully surrendered road. I want to jump. I want to trust the voice speaking inside of me. But what if I am wrong? As much as I hate "what ifs", for today at least, the what if leaves me standing at a crossroad. And I am just not sure I can convince myself to take the step towards a tested faith when I cannot see for sure where it leads and all I have is an untested faith to trust.
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