I was nine when I first experienced any real form of abuse. At the time, I did not know to call it abuse. I just knew it was wrong. And, when I discussed it with my mom, she did not call it abuse. She simply assured me it was wrong and not my fault. It was addressed. My mom addressed it. As she continued to do throughout my teenage years, when I encountered other abusers. Many were single instances, although there were a couple throughout my life that were relational.
My mom did her best to nurture and help me, but with each instance I went deeper into a shell of silence. I became afraid of my own voice and person, because it felt as if that voice and person were consistently subjected to abusive behaviors, words and actions. So I locked myself inside in an effort to protect myself. Little did I know I was actually hurting myself even more than the abusers had. They may have mistreated me, but I was killing me.
It took several years for me to open the door and allow myself to come out of hiding. It was not easy. I had to address the abuse in my past. I had to forgive my abusers, myself and even my mom. I had to learn to love my authentic self... from the inside out. And, I had to come to terms with the reality that not all of my abusers view their behaviors as abuse. In fact, one of them even said I wanted and enjoyed them forcing themselves on me... I just did not realize it. I imagine I will not get an apology from them anytime soon.
It was a long, hard and emotionally tiring journey. But this morning I had a moment of self love. A moment where my feelings and thoughts and words were more important than protecting someone else's. A moment where I valued myself. A moment where I stood up for Sami Leigh and in love shared truth. I felt empowered. I felt strong. I felt worthy. And, I was reminded of the journey I had to take to get to this space. The journey many individuals likely have to take after being abused.
I am no abuse expert, but I am a fairly silent abuse survivor. We exist. Just because my story didn't end up on the news. Just because my abuse didn't lead to death or some major tragedy. Just because I didn't out my abusers and destroy their lives, it doesn't make my abuse any less real or the lens that I see life through any less valid.
I don't walk around sharing with everyone I meet. Not everyone knows my full story. Not everyone needs to. But everyone, myself included, should... Be Mindful. Be Thoughtful. And operate from a place of love and respect when dealing with others. You just never know who you are talking to. And, you never know what a person has walked through or how they have fought to be the person you get to see each day.
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience ~ Colossians 3:12
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